Uptown Girl

The woman I am becoming.

I’m writing this in the middle of a PANDEMIC. A subject I hadn’t known anything about until this last month of being on quarantine because of COVID-19. In the back of my mind, there has always been this desire to be better. A better wife. A better mom. A better woman….human in general. I think that’s just part of the human experience. Continually wanting to grow, knowing you’re made for more while climbing the uphill battle of bad habits and everything else that’s already trying to balance itself on a very full plate. 

I’ve always been romantic about how different places and experiences can change you as a person. The summer we lived in Louisville, Kentucky ignited my love for exploring cities with the kids while Danny worked long, hard days. It was also the first place I had lived that really rained, and I learned on those random summer downpours to be ok with getting drenched. New York City (maybe more than any other place I’ve been in my adult life) has shaped me as a person. I’m a believer that we aren’t JUST from one place. Sure, I was born in Los Angeles and lived in Southern California until I was almost 15. I’m “from” there, but I truly believe as we travel to different places and meet different people...new parts of us are born. A new friend made in a different city, the discovery of a new food you like, that breath of fresh ocean air on that beach you couldn’t have filled your lungs with anywhere but THERE. The joy, passion, learning, empathy, and confidence that is ignited ties you to its birthplace and part of you is literally now “from” there too. At least that’s how it works in my mind. It’s also one of the reasons why there is a special place in my heart for New York City.

July of last year Naveya and I went on a girl’s trip to celebrate her upcoming 10th birthday. It was the first time I had ever traveled as the sole adult. Every time I’ve set foot on that island there is this feeling of being at home that I can’t describe. On that trip, I especially felt connected to the city and felt this confidence navigating Manhattan just Navy and I. In alot of ways I stepped into that next version of myself that I want to become. This pandemic has been, hard. Last night I was talking to Danny and I told him that I’ve just felt physically and emotionally exhausted. “Normal” life before this world crisis didn’t leave me much time for self-reflection. I went busily from one task to the next until I went to sleep and then got up and did it all again. Right now I’m only working 2 days a week, which has left me more time than I’ve ever had to just BE with myself. To BE in my thoughts. That human desire to become better that I was talking about earlier, it’s a blessing. I believe alot of happiness comes from growth. It can also be debilitating as I look at the gap between the woman I am, and the one I want to become.

Over the weekend I joined a virtual event with some incredible women I didn’t know. All business owners, and people with that desire to be better. We talked about having affirmations we listen to or tell ourselves every day. I’m going to record mine today and will be keeping those to myself as it feels weird enough to my current self to say them. What I did want to share is the woman that I look up to. The woman who has inspired the affirmations. That woman I want to become. She is me, standing on the corner of 73rd and Columbus on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Holding Navy’s hand as we cross the streets of a place that so much of me is “from”. She is a woman who cares deeply for her people and shows it. She is a safe haven. She goes after what she wants. She takes no BS. She is passionate and tender-hearted. She is everything I have in myself to be right now. 

There’s really no making sense of it all. This pandemic. There is so much heartache in the world right now, and by no means have I been dealt a hard hand - all things considered. My family is safe and healthy. Everyone has the right to be right where their individual heart needs them to be during this crazy time. So I will give myself grace because I need it. What I will also remind myself through this, because it has been really hard for me, is that part of me is being born from this crisis too. A part of me that will help me be more like HER. That uptown girl who is loving and tough, and everything I felt walking those streets last summer. I am her, and that’s why it felt so good to step into being her. By no means am I expecting perfection of myself, I know I’ll always have rough edges that serve me in their own way. All I want to do is keep celebrating the little moments that bring me clarity and growth. Bit by tiny bit. Happy birthday to the little parts of me that are being born in this craziness. They’re all part of what brings me closer to being her, that uptown girl (woman) I am becoming.