What Happened to New York?

June 19th, 2017. Thats the day I had set to fly out for our month long summer vacation in New York City. At this point we would have been there for a week and a half. This past week should have been filled with picnics in Central Park, walking (and scootering!) all over the city, and stuffing our faces with New York pizza. (Actually I did stuff my face with New York pizza, but it wasn't IN New York City....so thats beside the point.) 

These past few days, a video I saw of Jim Carrey keeps coming to mind. He did an interview with Oprah about how he visualized his success as an actor back when he was broke. Jim Carrey tells the story (you can watch the video here) about how he would park up on Mulholland drive and visualize directors being interested in him. He'd visualize having things in his life that he wanted and wrote himself a 10 million dollar check for 'acting services rendered' that he kept in his wallet. Jim Carrey then goes on to talk about how that ten million dollar check comes to fruition. It's incredible, but thats not why it's come to mind this week. 

At the end of the clip, in response to Oprah saying visualization works if you work hard, Jim says, "Well yeah, thats the thing. You can't just visualize and then go eat a sandwich." Better believe I visualized! I woke up to an alarm every morning that said - How does it feel to wake up in New York City? I'd hit snooze and for the next ten minutes and visualize waking up in an apartment on the Upper West Side. I knew what the light would look like spilling into the windows of our little apartment. I'd visualize the rest of my family still asleep and laying next to Danny feeling so excited for a full day of wandering the city together. Then I'd get out of bed and eat a dang sandwich. I did this for months.

I failed. As the big day came I thought I was going to be upset. That Monday, June 19th I was so happy and at peace. As dumb as I may feel publicly failing at my goal, it's nothing compared to what I'm about to say. (*Deep breaths Brianne, deep breaths.) As some may know, last year was hard on our family and we spent the year living in Texas. Thats about all anyone knew for a long time, because I was so afraid of anyone knowing what was really going on in our lives. I worried. What would people think? Would they think less of me? What would they think of Danny? On top of everything else I was feeling and trying to navigate, letting anyone else (including my own parents) in on it...was something I wanted nothing to do with. 

Danny and I are coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary. In these past ten years I've watched the love of my life struggle at times with depression. I feel like it's come in waves and this one knocked us on our asses. Danny got to the point where he couldn't work consistently and as you can imagine that put a lot of stress on our finances. By the grace of amazing family members, we were able to move to Texas and live with my sister in law Rachael, and her family. We needed help. In the past when Danny had struggled with depression it was nothing in comparison to last year. In the past I felt the emotions anyone would expect of a loving wife whose husband is struggling with loving himself or in a funk. It felt natural to love and support him through it. 

This time was different. This time, along with hurting for him, I hurt for me. I hurt for my children. He was sick. It's called mental illness for a reason and in this case his illness was just as debilitating as any physical illness. Only I didn't understand it completely at first. So I was a mess. I knew I would hurt for him like I had in the past, but I didn't expect to feel rejection. I didn't expect to feel angry. I found myself asking, am I not enough? Worse, are our children not enough? Are you not happy with this life we've created? Are we not worth providing for? I resented needing help. I felt like I was failing my kids. I was both madly in love and angry with my best friend. I was also sad. Sad and so afraid of losing him. Did he know what he meant to us? I was a mess. 

I'm happy to say that if there were any two people I know of that could navigate this mess, leading with love, it's he and I. I know it because we did it. Something I want whoever reads this to know, is that people who struggle with depression are strong. As are the loved ones that support them. I realized a new strength in myself I didn't know I had. I was strong for my kids. When I was forced to realized I can't base my self worth on anyone or anything else (which is true for all of us) I learned to love myself as the mess....aka human I am. A wise woman once said you can't be mad at yourself at how you got through trails in your life. You got through them! Well, at least thats something along the lines of what she said. 

So yes, I failed at getting our family to New York City this summer. I think the peace I feel reflecting over everything thats led up to this failure is recognizing all of the triumphs I've had against the odds. I'm not making excuses as for not making my goal happen. I wrote a post last October of our Summer in the City (here) and fully intend to make it a reality one day. The reason I'm especially grateful for that goal today is because I can see how it served me last year. Waking up to that alarm and envisioning that first morning in the city, over and over. It's part of what got me through last year. On particularly hard days I'd look up apartments we could sublet in the city. Or look up flights from Phoenix to NYC. Of course a huge part of what I would envision was being back on our feet. We'd be back in Phoenix in our own place and Danny would be healthy. 

Now here we are, having been back home in Phoenix for almost 6 months. Our names are on the lease of the teeniest most perfect apartment. All of the pictures above are of us since we made it back home to Phoenix. Naveya is back to her school and amazing friends here in AZ! (Also, note the picture of Naveya's school playground! I love that they have a view of downtown PHX. I'm a city girl at heart!) Danny and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary!! We've gone on family hikes and got to surprise the kids with Disney on Ice! We've been able to explore our own city, where Danny works downtown doing a job he loves. Gosh I can't tell you how incredible it feels to say that Danny is doing incredibly well. I've known him since we were 15 and even at a young age he's always worked so hard and had a passion for learning new things. I'm so grateful for everything he does for us and for himself. Seeing him growing as a person, happy and taking care of his health....How does anyone ever put what that feels like into words? (I just realized I said incredible twice in the same sentence. Ha! I guess thats one word that comes to mind.)

So, what happened to New York? The things in these pictures above. The ones we visualized AND worked for, they happened. Our summer in New York City is still on my bucket list. It will happen, but we're still rebuilding financially. We will be for a while and thats perfectly ok. The two times I've been able to go to the city, I fell in love with it. I know when we do finally make a trip to New York City happen, whether we're there for 4 weeks or 4 days, that trip will be so much sweeter because of our journey to get there. In the mean time it will continue to serve me as something to look forward to. I'm so grateful God loves me, is always there, and blessed me with the family he did! Including Nate and Rach who opened their home to us and supported us in so many ways when we needed it most. Cheers to waking up obsessed with urban life, great food, and the people I love! The future is breathtakingly beautiful. Xo, Brianne